The Heart is Deaf
by Dragon Toes
Summary: A Mai HiME fanfiction. One shot, Shiznat. Shizuru reflects on Natsuki's giving her all she wants, but was it really what her heart was looking for?


"Goodnight, Natsuki. I love you," Shizuru smiled. The girl with long dark hair simply nodded slightly; she seemed wearisome.

"Goodnight."

Each went their separate ways for the night, much later than they intended in the first place. The sky was dark, spotted with crystal light of stars, crickets singing their lonely chorus to the empty street. Shizuru slid her hands in her pockets, watching Natsuki wander home, her head down against the cool autumn wind. A sad smile rose on Shizuru's face, and she turned toward her own home. Tonight it wouldn't be as warm, Natsuki refused to stay over once again.

'_I've already asked too much I suppose, she was over the past five days…' _she walked softly, staring blankly while lost in thought. Her home loomed in the distance, lights out, nothing to look forward to but an empty bed with all too much space. The place was not a home, just a house. It had been a home the past few days, Natsuki unwillingly created that.

'_I'm not home until I'm with you.'_

Icy wind tore through Shizuru once more before she managed to get inside and close the door behind her. Chimes warning 11 o'clock was at hand rung as she removed her shoes and coat, but sleep would not reach her brimming mind for hours to come. A tear slid down her face, it was lucky it waited that long. The past day had brought upon realizations slamming her down like a freight train. Still clouded in thought, she sat on the maroon armchair she had fallen asleep in many nights; her mattress caused too many thoughts to roll, loneliness drowned her when she was in bed. Slumping, she felt another tear fall. Wiping it away was pointless, she let it drip freely.  
Her dreams had seemed to come true, but like most magic miracles, it was revealed to be a trickster's illusion. And like many entertainers create, an illusion with the best intent; they don't realize they've strung gullible children along.  
Weeks ago, when Natsuki told her everything she wanted to hear, "I love you, I'll be with you, I'll make you happy Shizuru," she had cried. The girl she wanted everything for, the girl she loved more than anything, the girl she would die for, had finally told her what she wanted. She thought. Last night, when Kuga went farther, ready to give it all, she had refused. Those green eyes had finally dropped their masks, and it was a stab in Shizuru's heart. In those eyes she didn't see a girl who wanted to be saved, who wanted love. Those eyes held only the hope that they were getting their job done. In that moment, it dawned on Shizuru what Kuga had really said. 'I'll make _you _happy Shizuru."

'_Natsuki… why won't you let me love you?...'_

Shizuru shut her blurred eyes, the question burning in her stomach, churning and making her feel ill. There was nothing more she wanted than for Kuga to be happy, except than for to make Kuga happy herself. Her melancholy angel had dealt with more than was fair, leaving her wings scarred and heart maimed. Healing the unseen wounds was the position she placed upon herself. It never crossed her mind that perhaps her angel didn't want it.

'_But I still pushed…I'm so selfish.'_

A muffled choke was all Shizuru would let escape, the silence of the dark room seemed to ripple from even the smallest sound. It felt so cold in the house, the kind of cold that is chased away only by the warmth of others. The cold chilled Shizuru's already weakening spirit.

'_She would give everything for me… but she wants nothing back. Why Natsuki?'_

Obvious answers rose from her mind, it was easier to give without getting attached. The heart can't get hurt if you give no one the key to its home. Such thoughts her own heart, attached and all locks removed, could not digest. Clawing every thought that came near, her soul refused to believe what her logic knew: Natsuki would never want her love.

'_But maybe if I stay... maybe if I keep trying…'_

Wind howled outside, but it was a kitten compared to the tigers of the eternal struggle of mind against heart that raged inside Shizuru.

Morning came, and Shizuru awoke in her chair, not even aware she had fallen asleep. A bell rang, and the girl stood up, realizing it was the door chimes that had awoken her. Before the door had opened, she already knew who it was.

"Natsuki. Good morning."

"Eeesh, did you just wake up? And why are you in the same clothes? Honestly Shizuru, you don't take very good care of yourself!" Natsuki rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, "Anyway… aahn... would you like to go to a movie or something tonight?"

Shizuru smiled and nodded softly, "Yes… I would like that very much. Thank you."

"Uh, yeah. No problem."

"Maybe I'll get lucky tonight even, and you'll give me a little kiss!"

Natsuki's face tinted red and exploded into a frown, "Do you have to say things like that!"

"But your reactions are so cute!"

She couldn't quite make out Natsuki's ratings as the girl let herself in and complained about indecency and shamelessness as she smiled and found her way down the hall to the kitchen, planning to make morning tea for the both of them. A soft downhearted smile was on her face.

'_I know you don't want it Natsuki. But I love you. I know I can't make you happy. But I want to. I'll forever argue myself, torn between what I know and what I feel. I can't make you want me, instead of wanting to make me happy because you think you need to. I can't do these things. But my heart won't listen.'_


End file.
